Of Peacocks and "Pick Me" Girls

My father, whose chair faces a window that looks out onto the street, often makes the observations about the goings on during the evening meal. We were sitting at the table eating dinner and he noticed a family of peacocks entering the front yard. As we were finishing, my mom suggested we go outside. We watched from the porch as 10 or so peacocks wandered through the yard foraging their evening meal. Most of the peacocks are female, which is obvious because they lack any of the beautiful coloring that we typically think of as peacock. One male circles the group of a handful of hens and several chicks. I noticed to myself the oddity of male flamboyance in nature and how it contrast to our human way of doing things. It is the male lightning bug that lights up while the female has no bioluminescence. Several species of birds and animals are this way. Because the female carries the greater burden in the procreation process, she gets to be more selective with whose genes she carries forward.

It made me wonder what has happened to humans that the female of our species feels the need to beautify themselves to be chosen, when in nature the males somehow naturally acknowledge the need to prove their worthiness to mate and procreate with the female. They recognize the privilege it is to have a womb that opens to and hosts its seed. Yet, for humans it is often women who feel the need to be selected and have forgotten the life force within them and the power that they have to choose to be selective. I think about myself as a teenager and young woman wanting to be chosen or made to feel special and therefore willing to take what crumbs were available to me and I feel so sad for her.

When it comes to romance, the things that attract us to a person are often aspects of our self that we haven’t embodied but that are wanting to be awakened within. But, instead of engaging this desire consciously, we project onto each other the things we want them to complete in us. The things we want from a romantic partner are a clear indication of things our psyche is asking us to develop within ourselves. And so, the desire to be chosen, to be valued is a request from the psyche to acknowledge ourselves and to let the true version of Self, not one that pleases others, see the light of day. But as long as the hope that somebody else will be those things for us or allow us to feel valued, we delay their growth within ourselves.

So how does a girl become a “pick me?” The stage is set in child development. Under patriarchy the mother most often represents a lack of agency or desire, while the father represents the ability to want things and make them happen. In this context, young girls often seek to dissociate from the powerlessness of the mother and want to identify with their father’s sense of agency by becoming like him. If the father embraces her, she is able to take on a sense of her own agency. If the father is critical or distant she will seek to connect to this power by proxy through being liked by her father and ultimately pleasing to men.

She will be protected by a man’s power, but will not internalize this sense of power within herself. She seeks approval or recognition from the outside. She doesn’t believe in her own ability or wisdom. She doesn’t know what she wants. She is lost without a father figure or male partner to create structure, stability, and leadership.

This pattern in women is at a tipping point in our culture. I think this is why so many women are choosing to go without relationships. As we are becoming more empowered, we have the ability to change this pattern within ourselves and our families. We can help our daughters embody that sense of power and agency from the beginning if we can find it within ourselves. So how does a woman find her own sense of power and choice?

It starts with letting the illusion crumble; letting go of the hope. Grieving the fact that no one is coming to save us. No man or any other person can do these things for us. We may not feel like we are capable, but in a very real way we have to “man up” and learn to internalize the masculine within our own psyches. There is not a specific method to this process, rather it is an unfolding and an awakening of who you are at your core as you honor your body, soul, and mind. You are good. Your are wise. You are capable.

We can only be those women who embody agency and power for ourselves and our daughters if we have allowed ourselves to be cracked open to mine the gold and silver within.